Sometimes, I’m obsessed with numbers. When I bake, measurements are important. I balance the checkbook at home and for the business, so dollar numbers are essential. I like the methodical approach of having things added or taken away and in the end, all things balance to an expected result. I find great pleasure and peace in knowing that there is sense and order in numbers.
I also obsess about the numbers on the scale. I’ve mentioned it before. I’m a constant weigher… meaning I like to weigh myself in the morning, evening, in between the day… just to gauge my weight. Obsession is probably an accurate word, and I’ve been aware of it for some time now. I lived my entire life being a “larger” person, being called fat, teased as a child, teased as an adult, so weight is a sensitive topic for me.
Even as an adult of a healthy proportion now, it’s hard to not let those demons continue to haunt me. There are moments I have to remind myself that food is not the enemy. I’m constantly telling my children food is not the enemy. Could there be a healthier choice? Probably. Moderation is the key, not over indulgence or straight up denial.
At this moment, we’re in the middle of a bathroom renovation. We had carpet in our master bath (yes, gross, I agree), and we’re finally at the moment where we felt this was a doable project to do on our own. This is not the first time we’ve done thing (our previous home had carpet in the master bath too!). So the carpet has been ripped out, the tiling has begun, and I have mounds of clothes, shoes, and essentials from the bathroom and closet all around my bedroom. I’m currently using the main floor bathroom and my husband has been banished to the basement bathroom.
With him went the scale.
We have been renovating for about 2.5 weeks now, and I have not weighed myself this whole time. This is a BIG deal for me. I’ve allowed myself the freedom of not being controlled by those numbers on the scale. As long as my clothes still fit (and I’ve only been wearing work out pants… that have elastic waist bands… oops!), I’ll be okay. I’ve decided to focus on achieving my step count and calorie burn goal on my watch instead. This can be easily done when I teach or take a Jazzercise class. It’s a little more difficult on my off days but nothing a quick walk can’t remedy.
Anyways. All of this to say that I feel liberated. This has been an idol of my heart that I’ve had difficulty laying to rest. Fitness and exercise are parts of my job, but it does not need to consume me. I need to be content with who I am, whether I fit a certain weight or not. My identity is not through my body size. My identity is through Christ, and that should be enough. I want it to be enough.